In Loving Memory of

'In this life you sometimes have to choose between pleasing God and pleasing man. And in the long run, it's better to please God – He is more apt to remember' (Harry Kemelman, Saturday the Rabbi went hungry – end chapter 10)

Today is the fifth time that I am burying someone very close to me. In 1976 it was my mother, in 1977 my father, in 1997 my father-in-law, in 199 my mother-in-law. I conducted the services for all four of them, while I was a protestant minister. Today is the most important, burying as a simple Jew the love of my life.

Marian's parents had planned their marriage on May 10, 1940. That day Nazi Germany invaded Holland that day. On the 14th, the Nazis bombarded Rotterdam. Also the furniture my parents-in-law had bought was destroyed. They married finally August 2 that year. 50 years later, August 2 1990 while we were celebrating this jubilee, Iraq invaded Koeweit.

On May 22, 1941 their oldest child was born, Maria Elisabeth Johanna, named after her father's mother, who had passed away of breast cancer at the age of 39. Her call sign was Marie or Marietje, names she began to hate that much that during her thirties and forties still got angry, when one of her family members would use that name, because they did not accept that she consciously had chosen to be Marian.

The family lived in Bruinisse, a fisherman's village on one of the islands in the southwest of Holland. Less than half a year old, she showed her perseverance. Playing in the box, a toy had fallen outside. She so much stretched and bent her arm to get it, that she broke it.

In 1944, after the allied invasion in Normandy, the island was inundated by the Germans. The family (at that time two daughters and their mother pregnant with number three) was evacuated to the southern outskirts of Rotterdam. There, they survived the 'hunger winter.' The hunger she suffered made that she never could throw food away, nor accept that other people do so.

As she was the oldest daughter, her mother kept her from school weekly, in order to help with the laundry, without washing machine, without centrifuge. During the harvest season, she and her two year younger sister, were sent to the fields to collect left over potatoes. They dreamt that Boaz would appear. When she was eight, there were 5 children. She was not allowed to get any further education - with the only exception that at the age of 11 she was one of the youngest ever to get a typing diploma. That way, she could help her father with his work as journalist of island affairs. She also helped him as he also was cashier of the village bank.

On February 1, 1953, she awoke while a northwestern storm disaster hit the area she lived. As an almost 12 year old kid, she for a moment relaxed 'finally something happens in this dull village'. They are not washed away and lived a couple of days in the attic. The house was badly damaged, but could be repaired. After they were evacuated, she was separated from her family and billeted with a poor family, that misused her with mean work. The flash moment of those month was to be selected as participant of a vacation in Switzerland, invited by a Rotarian hotel owner.

Since she had to support the family, she once help caregiving to a family, where the wife was extremely ill and died. That way she discovered her destiny: nursing. To her relief, her mother - with whom she had at that time a very bad relation - was convinced by a friend, who was a chief nurse, gave her permission to studying nursing. At the age of 17 she began as nursing student at the Coolsingel Hospital (now Erasmus Medical Center), even though she had no requested schooling. She passed her nursing exams at the age of 20, but was allowed to use her badge only after her 21st birthday.

The question arose: What now? She considered specializing in psychiatric nursing. She took the tramway to the hospital in Poortugaal village but was kicked back by polders reminding her of the island she had escaped from. During her nursing years, she had followed courses study of the Bible and kita alef Judaism. She wrote a letter to the Council for Church and Israel of her church, to inquire about suggestions to work in Israel. Bingo, before she realized she landed op Lud airport in early 1964 and went to Jerusalem for some months ulpan. In these few months, she made an amazing number of friends. In summer she went to Tiberias, where she was to replace an almost 65 years old nurse. She came in a kind of private clinic at the location as the closed Maternity Clinic of the Scottish Church.

Probably during Succoth, at the end of the day at the clinic, a Dutch student in theology dropped by. He had arrived in early September with a scholarship at the Swedish Theological Institute in Jerusalem. He was curious about other Dutch Christians in the country. She whispered to the old colleague 'I give him a cup of coffee and kick him out'. That started our first conversation. Alas, we had to stop it yesterday.

A couple of days after I asked her to marry me in April 1965, she wanted to break off. She did not want to leave Israel. She was afraid that as wife of a minister, she would not be allowed to continue nursing professionally. I made two promises: I would see to it that she could work - sixty years ago that was quite revolutionary. Moreover, Secondly, I promised that once we would go back to Israel. I had found my answer to the first question one asks on the eve of every shabbat: 'Who can find a strong woman? ?אשת חייל מי ימצא: I did.

She became what to me what in Genesis 2 is said of Eva/Chaya: my כנגדו, an untranslatable word, sometimes tried as 'opposite'. We hugged. When you hug, you first see the other's eyes; only then you hold one another tight and you can see what is behind the back of the other. That is כנגדו, protecting one another. We had an engagement party in a garden in the Jerusalem quarter Arnona, on July 3, 1965

People have asked why we didn't marry there and then. Marian had to fulfill her contract and I had to go back got the university. We both had two sisters and two brother; our parents were alive. We wanted a family event. We had that on July 1, 1966 The service was conducted by Prof. Berkhof, whom we had met together in Jerusalem the previous year. He talked about Psalm 137 אם-אשכחך ירושלים תשכח ימיני… אם לא אעלה את-ירושלים על ראש שמחתי - If I forget you o Jerusalem, let my right hand wither … If I do not set Jerusalem above my highest joy.

We had everything ready in our very small apartment. Only the bed we had ordered had not yet arrived the day before. The shopkeeper said: you just need it tomorrow. At one o'clock under a full moon (tet-was be Tammuz) a huge package soon before the door. First thing to do at our wedding night - assemble our bed. And behold, it did not collapse.

We were not aware that the students doctor had used us for an experiment with a new anti-conception. April 4 1967, Avi was born. If not, we would have taken a ticket to Israel during the six day war. I studied hard. In 1969 I became minister in church not far from Maastricht. Marian had worked at Leiden as nurse and now as soon as possible she became chief night nurse in a hospital in Heerlen. In 1972 Channa was born. In 1975 Elisheva.

Shortly afterward we moved to Poortugaal, the village she had escaped from in 1963. Soon, she applied again for night duty.

In November 1980 I was nominated Theological Advisor to the Netherlands Reformed Church, located in Jerusalem. In March 1981, she pushed for biopsies. As result she underwent a double mastectomy. She studied all information on breast cancer treatment. Together we refused any therapy.

All seemed well - till after the removal of her gallbladder in 2006, she again asked for a biopsy. Once more, she seemed to have recovered.

Due to her visa in Israel, she stopped working in hospitals. If needed, she nursed privately. She used all her time for her second love, studying Judaism where and whenever she could. She was one of the few or may be the only non-Jewish woman invited to the first congress on Jewish feminist theology organized by Penina Peli z"l. During the dark years of my conflict with my church, she fought for me with all her might and prevented my spiritual collapse. For many years we had to live a dual life, half a year Holland, half a year Israel.

In 2019 we decided to locate definitively in Jerusalem. The day after having sold our house in Holland, once again cancer showed it evil head. We had extremely good help from our family doctor Wladimir Center of the Kupat Cholim and Prof. Cerny of Shaare Zedek. Not too forget, our amazing help Orly, brother Oran and dr. Morad serving in Ushpiz Bayit.

We fulfill today her last wish, words that we crown her tombstone:

In your hand I commit my spirit, you save me Lord, true God. בידך אפקיד רוחי פדיתה אותי יי אל אמת